A Mysterious Morning in Seattle
On a sunny morning in the American city, Seattle, there were a couple, Mark and Janice Gordon, who were married for a few months. They were like two lovebirds having breakfast happily, looking at an awesome sight of a clear lake. Mark put a journal beside him to read during breakfast time as usual, then he watched a soccer match to enjoy his time. Meanwhile, Janice finished her breakfast and then started a long call with her mother. A very normal morning routine for a couple in their prime age, as if you are normally watching a scene of Brad Pitt.
My friend, if you focused a little bit, you'll feel that there is something fishy.
"That they were happy?"
No, that's not what I mean. Something way more important!
The Strange Setup
If you took a closer look, you'll find three video-cameras fixed on the walls. If you took another look, you'll find mics attached to their shirt collars.
"Are they spies working with the Mossad?"
My friend, have you ever seen a spy wearing a Holter monitor to track his heartbeats?
"I didn't get it, what are we doing?"
Focus, my friend. Look at the natural scene in the background—it's just a portrait, not a real natural scene.
Enter The Gottman Love Lab
My friend, this is The Gottman Love Lab which was established by the scientists John Gottman and Robert Levenson in Washington University, Seattle, in 1986 with the objective of a marriage scientific study—precisely, understanding the reasons for happiness or divorce of married couples.
They created a lab similar to a normal flat of a middle-class couple: it has a kitchen, sofa, TV, and normal furniture—feels like home.
("I have an air fryer, why don't they?")
Zip it, man! What's important is that in this normal house, the couple will be asked to bring their usual groceries, the journal they used to read—"Do everything you normally do in your daily routine, also bring what you use on weekends and holidays."
They will be asked, as much as possible, to act normally under supervision from 9AM to 9PM. The supervision took place in every corner of the house except the bathroom, before you ask.
"Not a Big Deal, Just a Couple of Days?"
A couple of days? My friend, such an experiment requires many years. In this study, Gottman will observe the couple’s behavior, actions, and even their facial expressions over many years.
"So was it useful?"
Let me shock you with an amazing surprise! Gottman’s crew predicted the continuity of the marriage or the divorce for their studied cases with an accuracy reaching 91%, from three different studies. This means that in 9 out of 10 marriages, the crew was able to say whether this couple would divorce or last.
"That's unsurprising! Statistics of marital status exist in every society."
If we assume that the divorce rate exceeds 50% in America, that's a fact measured over 40 years. Meanwhile, Gottman's experiment predicts divorce within seven years—a much shorter period.
"Can I go with my future wife to see if we’re going to divorce or not, in order to decide to marry her?"
No.
"This accuracy can be achieved through some monitoring, measuring actions and habits, it's not a scientific matter."
The Body Doesn’t Lie: Physiological Measures
Let me surprise you again: Gottman won't only focus on behavior. If the behavior is based on lies and deception, the body won't lie. Recall the chest Holter monitor to measure heart activity? Gottman measured the cardiogram, blood pressure, and hormones for the married couples who underwent the experiment.
"What is the relation between this and divorce?"
In a study from Ohio University, they measured levels of stress hormones like Adrenaline and ACTH in newly married couples and compared their state after ten years of marriage. They found that hormones' levels are 34% higher during marital discussions for couples who eventually divorced, compared to those whose marriage lasted. If people have high levels of these hormones during their marriage, they often end up divorcing. These hormone levels during a discussion can indicate the course of their marriage—a clear correlation between physiological results and the possibility of divorce in a given timeframe.
This is what I meant by a Marriage Scientific Study. Gottman’s lab didn’t miss any detail.
"Focus on Real Diseases Instead of Marriage!"
My friend, if you are in your prime age, you should know that marriage can end your life like any other disease, or it can be your savior as well.
Marriage’s Health Impact
According to a study from the University of Michigan, the chance of getting infected with a disease is higher by 35% if your marriage is unhappy. Meanwhile, happy couples have their average lifespan increased by about 4-8 years. The person unhappy in marriage suffers from stress and chronic fatigue physically and emotionally. This fatigue leads to heart problems, high blood pressure, and psychological problems like depression. On the happy side, you have a partner who cares about you, reminds you to take care of yourself, insists you visit the doctor, and feels responsible for your mood, health, and body.
In his book "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work," Gottman says, "If you dedicate 10% of your weekly gym time to enhance your relationship with your wife, you’d get three times the health benefits you would get if you persist in going to the gym."
"Should I pay for couples therapy instead of gym membership?"
According to this study, yes!
How Should Marriage Begin?
Gottman's lab focused on how a marriage will end—good or bad—but maybe this depends on another question: How should marriage begin?
Marriage is a partnership between two people, and at the start, each has preconceived notions and opinions about the other. For a long time, relationships were based on opinions, not a scientific approach to chart whether they’ll end or not, as in Gottman's lab.
In the 90s, many books emerged like "Men Are From Mars, Women Are from Venus," a bestseller with 15 million copies translated into 40 languages. Its main idea: each party in marriage comes from a different planet with different traits. Similar books followed, reinforcing that men and women each have their own "catalog." Although many lack scientific basis, they get ingrained since childhood, shaping our choices and expectations in marriage.
Gottman conducted many studies to get divorce percentages, while an unscientific book can change the entire culture, setting the foundations for how marriage starts and ends.
Stereotypes: Men and Women From Different Planets?
Let's test some stereotypes. The first that comes to mind: men are cheaters with wandering eyes, women are grumpy and unbearable.
"Is this scientifically right?" We will see.
Men by nature love freedom and dislike marriage restrictions, cheating seems normal? Dr. Alicia Walker, in "Chasing Masculinity," says that what pushes a man to cheat is not biology, but feeling emotionally distant and insecure. Lack of attention or appreciation leads some men to cheat as compensation rather than lose their beloved wife through divorce.
Surprisingly, you see in media that women want marriage more, so you assume they are happier in marriages. Studies show married men are actually happier than married women, and single men are sadder and more violent. This isn't about innate biology; cheating isn't inherently male or female. Dr. Annette Lawson found cheating depends on chances, context, availability. Increased cheating correlates with women’s participation in the labor market. Cheating often arises when marriage has already collapsed, not causing the collapse.
What About Women Being Grumpy?
According to Dr. Cathrine Mckinley, men and women experience the same feelings—anger, grumpiness, sadness. The difference is that women are allowed to express them, men are not. Society imposes Gender Roles: men must be unemotional and strong; women can scream and express. Thus, women openly talk about feelings more, and men avoid discussing them.
This affects health. In heated marital discussions, husbands' blood pressure and heart rate rise more than wives'. If a husband's heartbeats exceed 100 beats/minute, he enters "Flooding," as Gottman calls it—anger and tension block understanding and rational response.
Husbands also try to "win" arguments because of societal roles, a heavy pressure. Wives, who talk about feelings more, can calm themselves more easily. If a wife yells, the husband yells louder. Women understand emotions better through years of practice, since childhood, boys focus on winning games, yelling, fighting over a soccer match. Girls focus on emotions—if a friend says "We can't be friends," the game stops until they reconcile.
Society’s Roles and Economic Pressures
Imagine a couple getting married while believing all these stereotypes and roles imposed by society. Beyond stereotypes, society imposes economic and social conditions too. Leta Hong Fincher studied marriage and gender in China, where marriage isn't just about two people but involves the entire society. Under the 'Hukou' system, a woman must be married to own a house in Shanghai. Many Chinese women reject marriage due to pressure, raising the average marriage age. Similar pressures exist elsewhere. In the Middle East and Egypt, marriage is a maturity standard, taken seriously by society. Economic circumstances may push marriage ages higher and increase divorce rates. For example, divorce can reach 65% in the first year.
Marriage isn't just affected by what planet you're from—Mars or Venus—but by your country. Social and economic conditions make maintaining marriage harder.
Unrealistic Expectations About Marriage
Another major problem is expecting a happy marriage without any issues. Instagram illusions of perfect couples doing love signs all day create impossible standards. According to a 2016 study of 135 couples over 4 years, husbands with rational expectations at the start had more lasting marriages. Those with irrational expectations ended up frustrated.
The best investor, Warren Buffett, when asked to choose one trait for a partner, said "Low expectations." With low expectations, normal acts surprise and please you both, making everyone happy.
Problems That Can and Cannot Be Solved
If we classify marital problems into two types: one type is situational and solvable. With low expectations and calm discussion, these can be resolved. The other type is harder, recurring, and stems from underlying issues. Sadly, 69% of couples' problems are of this latter type—complex issues resulting from building ideal expectations about marriage rather than focusing on the real person you marry.
Specialist Daniel B. Wile in "After The Honeymoon" said when you choose your partner, you choose a set of issues. A happy marriage deals with solvable issues before they become permanent. They might even joke about their own problems instead of reaching "stagnation," a state where one or both feel victimized.
“The Sad Partner Is a Victim to His Own Expectations, Not His Partner.”
To fix this, some consider therapy, but couple therapy got the worst ratings in customer satisfaction. Marriage’s problem often lies in unrealistic expectations and roles. Many specialists tried to measure marriage like a doctor-patient relation, a method that fails because partners aren't neutral therapists but deeply involved emotionally.
Carl Rogers’ "Active Listening" method was adopted to help couples talk without judgment, but its success rate is only 35% to 50%. Half of those who improved relapsed. Why? Because there's a huge difference between a patient-doctor scenario and two partners with history, emotions, and no neutrality.
Finding the Real Solution: Friendship
All complexities considered, Gottman says the secret of a happy marriage is something common and simple: "The quality of friendship between both sides." Friendship here means mutual respect, fun, knowing each other's likes, dislikes, hopes, and dreams. Friendship leads to a safe foundation where each partner makes small efforts for the other.
This might sound cliché, but think of it as theoretical background—like watching a football program before you actually play. Friendship must be the beginning, not the end. With friendship come positive expectations, making fights temporary obstacles, not signs of doom.
If negative emotions dominate, every act and apology is misread. Without trust in good intentions, there's no way to build positivity. Emotions are like money; they don't last forever alone. You need supportive responses to each other's needs—what Gottman calls "Bids."
In successful marriages, partners respond to these "Bids" 86% of the time, compared to only 33% in failing marriages. Support can be simple acts like fetching water, charging a phone, or caring for a family member. These small actions accumulate positive credit, helping the relationship withstand conflicts.
Interestingly, women find men who help with housework not only kind but sexually attractive. Acts of daily cooperation shift focus from mistakes to helpfulness.
Add Excitement and Break Routines
Researcher Arthur Aron suggests injecting excitement through new activities—no need for skydiving in Dubai, just simple gestures like a cheek kiss, a massage, or watching a film together. This builds joy without great effort or time.
No matter your economic or social status, express love and appreciation. Can men and women be best friends? Stanford University’s study found childhood friendships across genders often fade by age 7, but positive emotions, support, and clarity can revive that lost "childhood percentage" even if you were raised on different roles.
Gottman says when families (couples) influence each other, listen and understand, their quarrels become less severe and success in marriage is greater. Marriage is between two different characters with society-imposed roles, yet they chose to live together, always compromising with a positive meaning, reaching middle ground.
Communication skills matter, but staying friends matters more. Friendship involves knowing each other deeply, understanding changes over time. Marriage can last decades, people change, so keep updating your knowledge of each other. There’s no magic formula for success, as even Gottman married three times and divorced twice!
Conclusion
In the end, consider this analogy from a grandfather's wisdom: marriage is like a barrel, the first 5 cm are full of honey but the rest aren’t.
"Hold a second, it seems that the barrel was opened upside down!"
